While on my way to a meeting today, I found myself crying alone in the car. Twice.
The first time was because I was feeling really exhausted. Physically and emotionally. I felt so undervalued this entire week- like nothing was going right anymore. You see, on the surface, people are led into believing that I've really got it together. I can hold my own now, after all. But I felt really broken inside. So angry, so hurt and easily irritated at the most random things. I felt so unappreciated and so unloved. Over the course of the week, I managed to re-learn feeling insecure again. Maybe it's because it's come to a point wherein I've stayed away from people long enough to feel socially awkward around others. I felt like I couldn't get along with anyone. Not my parents. Or my friends. I felt like I was burning more bridges than I was building them. I hated how I couldn't have control for a lot of things in my life and that really, REALLY scared me.
"Lord. What am I doing? Why am I here?"
"Does anyone understand?"
And then He spoke.
"Where are you?"
He already knew the answer. It wasn't a question; it was a reminder. A reminder of who I am. What I am to Him. He was looking for me. I mattered to Him. In His eyes, I'm important. And that's really all I'll ever need and should ever want. Why did I digress from what was already laid out before me? What else could I possibly want more than being on the Winning Side?
And then, something: An embrace. An act of kindness. Soft words. An unexpected gift. A challenge. Call to action-- every single possible thing He knew would speak to my heart, God granted it to me. Another reminder.
" For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." PS 84:11
"Stick to the Plan. I got this." He tugs on my heart strings.
I was left in awe and embarrassed at my ignorance. And yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.
You probably already know what happens next. It's the only obvious response: I found myself in tears, again. :)